Fat, Fatter and Fattest
What a way to title my first blog post, right? I feel it's fitting though (unlike my clothes). I've been wanting to start a blog for quite awhile and just didn't know if I should. It was a constant debate with myself if I would even keep up with it. Would anyone even read it? Does it matter if others read it? Yes? No? Finally I said the hell with it and here I am doing my first post. Now, keep in mind, I have full intention to have this blog be a little bit of everything as I feel like I'm a walking compilation of shit.
With that said, let's get into the nitty gritty of my virgin post.
I'm someone who has struggled with my weight all my life. I spent most of my childhood as the fat kid. Dealt with a lot of bullying and shedding a lot of tears. In high school, I was finally done being fat. I lost a shit ton of weight and got myself down to between a size 4-6. I felt smoking hot for the first time in my life. I kept that up for years, until college...for the second time.
My second time going to college was from 2005-2008 and the full-time work and school just took a toll on me. I lost that free time to workout and, realistically, I wasn't going to find a way to make the time because I lived my college years in permanent exhaustion. Then there was my eating habits in college that screwed me even more. Fast food was my BFF as it was easy to grab on the go. So, 100+ pounds later and I was one hell of a big girl.
After college I tried to lose the weight as I went to school for Criminal Justice and had my heart set on working in Law Enforcement and knew that being in shape was required to pass the physical agility tests. So, I lost some weight here and there, but it wasn't enough. Needless to say I failed one power test after another. When I saw what seemed to be the repeated outcome, I gave up. I shouldn't have. That was my own bad decision, but I did. So, back on the fat bandwagon I went.
Let's fast forward some years. I get engaged! No one wants to be a fat bride and look like the Kool-Aid pitcher mascot filled with milk, so I busted ass...again.
By my wedding day 15 months later, I was down 82 pounds and out of plus size clothing. I felt amazing! I didn't reach my goal weight yet, but that was okay. I felt healthy, I was happy with the way I looked, I was even able to feel sexy. I was on cloud nine!
Then after my honeymoon, I put about 10 of those lost pounds back on. I figured, that's doable to re-lose. I mean, I lost 82 pounds, I can do 10. Obviously that was easier said than done. Another pound here, an additional pound there. I was approaching Fatland again. Damnit! "I CAN do this!" I thought to myself. "I will get back on track and stick with it" I was repeating over and over again. That's when that "wrong answer" sound, like you hear on game shows, went off because then I got pregnant. Completely planned, so it's not like it was a shock to me, but nevertheless, getting pregnant was definitely not going to get me to the world of skinny. So anyway, I was ecstatic over being pregnant because I couldn't wait to be a mom, but dreaded the weight gain ahead. Sure enough, over 80 pounds later I had my beautiful little girl. I loved her immediately more than anything in this world. She was my everything! The problem was I also looked like I had ate everything in sight. Luckily, about 40 of those pounds were gone about 2 weeks later due to water weight, but it still left me with tons of weight to re-lose.
This brings me to present day. My daughter is now almost 2 years old and I'm still carrying around this "baby weight ". I do understand the realization that it's not ALL baby weight, but that's what I like to tell myself. I did get myself down 19.8 pounds over the course of about 3 months and now I'm back on that upward spiral as I've put back on about 3 of those pounds.
I just don't get myself with this weight! I HATE being fat! I feel like shit and I hate how I look. I'm self conscious about in just about everything I wear, regardless of whether it's fitting, loose, or an old potato sack. I sucks to look in the mirror and hate your reflection. It sucks to feel ugly all the time even if you know your not. What sucks more than anything is feeling self conscious being naked in front of your own husband no matter how many times he says your sexy and beautiful.
I need to make a permanent change for myself. Not just to not hate what looks back at me in the mirror, but because being this overweight does a number on your body physically. I want to have the energy to have all the fun ahead of me with my little girl. I want to chase her around the yard and act crazy with her without being short of breath or too tired to keep up with her. Not to mention, I want another child at some point in the near future and I don't want to have as rough of a pregnancy the next time around. I need to get my ass in gear!
I will do this, damnit! I haven't figured out how yet, but something has to happen and I'm the only one that can be accountable to get this lifestyle change made. I'm just going to cross my fingers this time it will be a success story and not another train wreck.
With that said, let's get into the nitty gritty of my virgin post.
I'm someone who has struggled with my weight all my life. I spent most of my childhood as the fat kid. Dealt with a lot of bullying and shedding a lot of tears. In high school, I was finally done being fat. I lost a shit ton of weight and got myself down to between a size 4-6. I felt smoking hot for the first time in my life. I kept that up for years, until college...for the second time.
My second time going to college was from 2005-2008 and the full-time work and school just took a toll on me. I lost that free time to workout and, realistically, I wasn't going to find a way to make the time because I lived my college years in permanent exhaustion. Then there was my eating habits in college that screwed me even more. Fast food was my BFF as it was easy to grab on the go. So, 100+ pounds later and I was one hell of a big girl.
After college I tried to lose the weight as I went to school for Criminal Justice and had my heart set on working in Law Enforcement and knew that being in shape was required to pass the physical agility tests. So, I lost some weight here and there, but it wasn't enough. Needless to say I failed one power test after another. When I saw what seemed to be the repeated outcome, I gave up. I shouldn't have. That was my own bad decision, but I did. So, back on the fat bandwagon I went.
Let's fast forward some years. I get engaged! No one wants to be a fat bride and look like the Kool-Aid pitcher mascot filled with milk, so I busted ass...again.
By my wedding day 15 months later, I was down 82 pounds and out of plus size clothing. I felt amazing! I didn't reach my goal weight yet, but that was okay. I felt healthy, I was happy with the way I looked, I was even able to feel sexy. I was on cloud nine!
Then after my honeymoon, I put about 10 of those lost pounds back on. I figured, that's doable to re-lose. I mean, I lost 82 pounds, I can do 10. Obviously that was easier said than done. Another pound here, an additional pound there. I was approaching Fatland again. Damnit! "I CAN do this!" I thought to myself. "I will get back on track and stick with it" I was repeating over and over again. That's when that "wrong answer" sound, like you hear on game shows, went off because then I got pregnant. Completely planned, so it's not like it was a shock to me, but nevertheless, getting pregnant was definitely not going to get me to the world of skinny. So anyway, I was ecstatic over being pregnant because I couldn't wait to be a mom, but dreaded the weight gain ahead. Sure enough, over 80 pounds later I had my beautiful little girl. I loved her immediately more than anything in this world. She was my everything! The problem was I also looked like I had ate everything in sight. Luckily, about 40 of those pounds were gone about 2 weeks later due to water weight, but it still left me with tons of weight to re-lose.
This brings me to present day. My daughter is now almost 2 years old and I'm still carrying around this "baby weight ". I do understand the realization that it's not ALL baby weight, but that's what I like to tell myself. I did get myself down 19.8 pounds over the course of about 3 months and now I'm back on that upward spiral as I've put back on about 3 of those pounds.
I just don't get myself with this weight! I HATE being fat! I feel like shit and I hate how I look. I'm self conscious about in just about everything I wear, regardless of whether it's fitting, loose, or an old potato sack. I sucks to look in the mirror and hate your reflection. It sucks to feel ugly all the time even if you know your not. What sucks more than anything is feeling self conscious being naked in front of your own husband no matter how many times he says your sexy and beautiful.
I need to make a permanent change for myself. Not just to not hate what looks back at me in the mirror, but because being this overweight does a number on your body physically. I want to have the energy to have all the fun ahead of me with my little girl. I want to chase her around the yard and act crazy with her without being short of breath or too tired to keep up with her. Not to mention, I want another child at some point in the near future and I don't want to have as rough of a pregnancy the next time around. I need to get my ass in gear!
I will do this, damnit! I haven't figured out how yet, but something has to happen and I'm the only one that can be accountable to get this lifestyle change made. I'm just going to cross my fingers this time it will be a success story and not another train wreck.
I know exactly how u felt as I was reading this. Sounds like alot off us and you put it down on "paper" very well. Once ur mindset is in you'll be set to hit the ground running.
ReplyDeleteWe have to be happy for those around us to feel it. I know how u feel with him I was the same way and even though they r telling the truth the bad lady in our head thinks they are lying.
❤️heads up! The road does get easier w time n patience.
Here for u if u need anything.